READ ME: Alice looked and read the little glass vial, it said DRINK ME: Alice drank the sugary liquid. She felt her insides turn and suddenly she started to grow…
I’ve decided to continue this blog because I am still in need of writing down my thoughts as I continue to engage in the process of becoming.
Right now I feel as if I hang in the balance between knowing what is good for me and doing what is good for me, trusting and not trusting, self-protecting or opening up, sharing myself or keeping close to the cuff. The scales threaten to tip one way or another dramatically.
This is all due to the confusing state of growth I am entering where it seems as if everything is turned upside down and inside out. Things are not quite as they seem. Why is my table on the ceiling? Why is the door on backwards? Why is my shadow upside down? Why does my heart feel like it is growing in size while my body seems to be shrinking? It’s all very curious.
The wonderland of self-discovery and renewal is a gateway to knowing who you truly are and who you will become, but it can also be a treacherous path with many unseen curves in the road.
At times I feel like a wriggling worm on a wire and at other times I feel like the beautiful bird that will swoop the worm up in it’s beak.
I don’t want to be hard or cruel or live with a façade of false power based on manipulative constructs. I don’t want to continue to feed the malice of my past experiences with the diseased flesh of carrion fears. I want to be free to relax and be my true self: By nature, I am very sweet and kind, giving and joyful. I have a playful side and a serious side, I am intellectual and artistic. I am graceful and honorable, trustworthy and honest. I am considerate and thoughtful, consistent and focused. But all of these attributes have been carefully hidden away, until recently when I took out the tiny vial and drank it.
When I set out to allow myself to give and receive love again, I decided that I would choose people who reflected these qualities back to me. From all that I have learned about myself in the past several months, I felt ready to honor my goodness by finding it in another.
The other day, I was confronted with a challenging situation with a new friend in my life. I felt wronged and while I knew that communicating my discomfort and setting personal boundaries was the right thing to do, I also felt terrified to do it. I did it anyway though, because I needed to. In the end being able to state my needs, even with fear of negative repercussions, turned out to be a positive step toward growth for both of us.
I initially reacted to the situation with old patterns of self-protection and isolation, feeling my armor automatically close around me like a mechanical vice. I felt the cold wind sweep through my heart and soul, making me stronger, making me feel impenetrable. A glare came down over my eyes and a sharks smile across my face. I could hear all of the old recordings being re-played in grainy layers in the back of my mind, “You’re not good enough”, “You’re not so interesting”, “You don’t deserve this”, “Who are you to be happy”.
It’s all garbage talk!!
Very soon afterward I realized that these were old programs replaying to keep me in a state of complicity. It was fear based thinking at it’s finest. And as soon as I realized that, I cast off my armor, smashed it to the ground and opened my skin to reveal raw nerves. I took a giant leap forward and stated my thoughts, truly and completely. Low and behold, they were received with a warm heart and listening ears.
It occurred to me yesterday, that I don’t expect consistency or calm, niceness or warmth from anyone in my life because I have been measuring everything by the swing of the pendulum for the past 7 years. When my ex-husband loved me it was for seconds at a time, alternating between moods of anger and despair so rapidly that I never had time to keep my feet on solid ground. (He was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, which is a categorized by rapid shifts in moods, some of which can take place minute by minute and hour by hour). With him, I never knew where I stood, therefore, I chose to float. The floating ghost, still myself, but so muted it could barely be seen.
Now that I am showing myself to the world again, it is both exciting and scary. I am realizing that I need consistency in my life and have been able to create this for myself. It turns out that most people are consistent, it’s just that I am always expecting the swing of the pendulum to occur, therefore I have the tendency to freak myself out at the slightest turn of events. I want to feel everything, yet the prospect of it is, in fact, alarming. I don’t want to be hurt as I was before and I don’t want to feel loss so soon again.
Why should I, a most wondrous and amazing being, feel such things? Don’t I know my own power?
Yes and No. It is a life-long process, it is not always easy to come forward and be your best self. Yet, it is why I am fully dedicated to being extra gentle with myself and acknowledging that while I am one of the strongest people, I am also one of the most delicate flowers. And in order to savor this experience in growth, I must not engage in poisonous interactions with others, I must be allowed to take root deeply in my soil and find comfort in careful gardeners who will not pluck me from the tender ground with rough hands and sharp objects. I must be true to myself and honor each part; every strength and weakness, every blemish and every spot of decay. Only then, will true care of the self allow a magical sparkling soul to flourish and once again become beautiful and real.